My Medilag Experience - 13 reasons why.

When Tiffany, Medilag Essence’s Lanledi, asked me for a piece on any of my vast experiences in this college, I found this quite a difficult task to pull off. Difficult, because I’ve made a lot of lasting memories in this school, choosing one is like picking a puppy from a litter of cute puppies.
Recently, a Microbiology student committed suicide allegedly because of Extra year. A fellow member on Medilag Essence made a statement “Lets act like some of us have not seriously considered it”.
That sentence alone got me reminiscing overnight, which became the inspiration behind this article. I had to ask myself if CMUL has ever made me consider suicide or question my sanity. I pride myself with the notion of loving life yet the answer to my self-proclaimed question would be a big yes.

I’m telling this story as uncomfortable as it makes me feel, because I want to reach out to people depressed or not, to let them know nobody is immune to the so called “Persistent low mood”. To let them know they aren’t alone facing this and to help them recognize some of the telltale signs and when to get help .
Let’s start with a subtle introduction, I am a final year, 600 level MBBS student who has sat down for my final exam twice and still have to wait till next June to take one of the exams again.
The funny thing is, this is not my first rodeo with extra-year, back in 300 level, I repeated a whole year because of a course, the popularly dreaded pharmacology.
Back then,  I admit to not being a model  medical student. I missed classes, I went to parties, I organized events, ran for election and lost. To cut the story short I was not a serious student. So it did not come as a shocker when I failed 4 out of 5 courses at my first sitting. I studied a bit harder for the resit and I worked more on pharmacology but when I failed it again, I knew it was my fault. My actions had let me to that point, even though I was pained and I had to repeat the one course for a whole year without regrets.
I bounced back almost immediately the result came out, I came to school for one or two classes per week, went to DJ school to hone my jockey skills and so on. My Parent were not happy with me, especially my dad who refused to have any meaningful relationship with me for months, I had to learn to hustle more to survive. But my mental state was not in question, I was even partially grateful to have joined a different class than my previous one where I assumed I had a lot of haters.
My attitude towards school work changed positively more so during my clinical years, even if I couldn’t shake my reputation as an unserious student. I went for classes more, I took my attendance seriously, met up with my procedures and became unit rep more than a couple of times.
 But the most pleasant feeling I got addicted to was passing, end of posting exams, tests, 500 level professional exam first sitting and so on. It was so bad I legit felt I was now above failing, for which I was to a point till final year exam.
During my first 600 level postings, I did everything by the book, my logbook was complete, lecturers knew my face, I sat in front of class, I had notes written, I joined multiple study groups, I actually read my books. A week to the final year professional exam I went for all the revisions given, I was ready to battle that exam head on.
The first 4 days out of the two weeks of the first sitting exams went by in a blur, I can remember that Thursday night like it was yesterday. I have never been in such a low mood in my life, after finishing exam that day I went to my room laid flat on my bed and was staring at the ceiling for hours.
The memory of that week haunting me deep down to my soul, making me question the seven years I’ve spent in LUTH if it was worth it, making me question life itself. You wonder why I assume.
The first week, we did the written part of the professional exam. This include the Theory Section and the Best of Five MCQ sections and it was bloody. I have been writing exams all the years throughout medical school so this shouldn’t be that difficult right?
Well, this particular one was different because it didn’t just task me on what I know, but how to apply it. I know some readers will feel that is what every exam is like, but imagine knowing the answer to every question but you cannot ascertain the right way to put it on paper.
Imagine giving a case scenario, whereby you can deduce three convincing differential diagnoses but the first question asks you the definitive diagnoses. If per chance you choose the wrong diagnoses, 1 out 4 question in the theory exam is gone just like that.
Imagine finishing the supposedly simplest posting’s MCQ 80 questions and you suddenly can’t remember if you have ever solved any past questions before that exam because the exam felt like it was set in Greek.
It was mental torture and I was on my bed alone for hours staring at the ceiling. I had to maintain hard guy I couldn’t bring myself to cry, I didn’t have appetite for food and I could not sleep. I was afraid of being stigmatized as weak so I did not feel comfortable talking to anybody. I had seen people breakdown in tears during the week and I was the one who consoled them.
I was the strong and happy one who doesn’t really care about things like exam, I had a reputation to maintain. I remember feeling pity and appalled at some people for showing their emotions even though I could empathize with them.
I remember when a thought occurred to me, I could simply jump from the back balcony and all that negative feeling would end. It was fast, the thought was simply suggestive and it had gone almost the same instant it had come.
I won’t lie to you that I was too strong for that idea to hold me down, but I think at that point I got an epiphany that something was definitely not right with me.
Thank God for Sync XVII class group, it had become a safe place for me over the years and I knew most of us (my classmates), are comfortable discussing things with each other. When I opened my whatsapp, I realized there was over 300 unread messages on my class group and I went through them all.
It was the best feeling at the time to discern I wasn’t the only one going through that ordeal, i.e. it felt like the whole class was barely keeping it together. Everybody was sharing their feelings and experience from the week, I did not notice my mood had changed a bit for the better. The ones I considered the most brilliant students or the most comfortable students were struggling to a point too.
Let just say this gave me the courage to call home and tell my parent I was coming to talk to them. I got home sat my mum and dad down and explained to them how pressured I was feeling to pass, how much I had worked over the years to reach this point and still feel useless.
To be honest I was expecting them not to understand especially my dad, to tell me how he passed his own exams in flying colors, to tell me my classmates do not have two heads.
But they did not, both my parents for the first time in my medical training were equally understanding, they praised me for my efforts, that they had seen and heard of me working my ass hard.
Most importantly, they made me recognize the fact that exams will come and go, fail or pass, what is more important is living and I was promised that no matter the outcome of my results I won’t be judged.
Those words alone made me so relieved it hadn’t occurred to me, I had been carrying the burden of the world on my shoulders for a long time. You only live once and the most important thing you can do is to live most of it as happy as you can.
I failed 3 out of 4 exam in my first sitting, currently have an extra year for 1 of the exams and I can assure you that one of the reasons I’m not in a psych ward or dead right now is because I talked to people.
I still talk to people and when I can afford it easily, I’d make an appointment with a shrink officially.
I’m not claiming creating a class group or talking to your parent is the only answer or the complete solution to depression.
The moral of my story here is, when you find yourself in that dark path, drowning in that low mood it’s becoming difficult to think straight and negative thoughts keeps rushing in. Please talk to someone, don’t keep it in out of fear of the stigma it might ensure, get help as soon as you can, there are suicide hotlines out there if you can’t easily find someone to rely on.
Suicide is never the answer, and like a quote from one of my favorite series, For Every 13 reasons why you want to take your life there are ten times more reasons not to.
 Yaq the Bull